Author: John

RESPONSES from five participants of the course TO LIVE WELL
Held under the auspices of The Contemplary & The Centre for a Compassionate Society, from the 6th October to 10th November 2020:

Session time 7 – 9.30 pm.
Participants: 7 women
Key theme: “we are not in therapy, and each of us is here for our self”
Group introductions in the opening session revealed that the dominating interest in the journey was the matter of Forgiveness.
Summary of the content:
The first week lays the foundation for confidentiality, listening without correcting, and building trust.
The second week introduces feelings and emotions in times of grief and loss, and how one responds to that.
Week three introduces awareness of how my emotions impact my communication in relationships. The heart and emotions play a crucial role in this course.
This opens the door for weeks four to five where forgiveness and apology come into focus,
Week six makes repentance and justice meaningful.


First respondent:
1. What were some of the best moments for me in participating in this group?

-People share their insights and interpretations of the context, and provide different perspectives.
_-group discussions with people expressing agreement to what was shared.
– light-bulb moments – realizing what was blocking my progress of healing and forgiveness.

2. What were the more difficult times for me in the sessions?

-Remembering the Rwandan genocide and reading about atrocities that I did not previously know about.
– Realising that throughout my life I had actually had a number of traumas that needed to be unpacked. This being said, I could only focus on the worst or biggest trauma and not all distressing events. I now have the tools to heal more.

3. With whom will I share this study guide and what questions do I have about using the material?

– 2 friends come to mind; a counselor and a pastor – both female and both suffered traumas. I would like to encourage both to actually do the course.
– is the course content copyright? (I don’t think it is, but not sure)

4. What changes or improvements would I like to see in the sessions?

– there was not enough time to spend on group discussions
-we needed to skip breakout rooms due to time constraints
-condensing the course into 6 weeks [from 10 sessions] was too much, in my opinion. I suggest 8 weeks of 8 sessions and allow time for a chat after the session finishes to encourage/build trust and comradeship.

5. How am I changing in my life as a result of this study?
– recognizing triggers and now have the tools to deal with them
-learning to forgive myself, accepting the past
-not allowing the trauma to overtake my thinking – recognizing it and stopping it
– seeing other people differently – especially when they have adverse reactions; thinking of their journey as well as my own.

6. What would I say to others who I think could be part of a group?

-it’s for anyone struggling with forgiveness of themselves and/or others.
– ultimately should this be a tool to be used in schools and universities? Give people the tools needed to deal with trauma/forgiveness before it happens.

7. In what ways did my mentor/support person assist me?

-talking this through with another person allowed me to clarify points I was struggling with, and receive encouragement to continue to process, and make me go over again some points to make sure I understood the process. They also listened with compassion and no judgment.


Second respondent:
1. Best moments:
-I loved the gentleness, non-judgment, and support from the facilitator.
-Light-bulb moments for me were: I must forgive for me, not others; I must also be ready to forgive; and understanding forgiveness is for my benefit, thus allowing myself acceptance of the past and moving forward.

2. Difficult times:
-the first two sessions were difficult for me. I found it hard to talk openly until I trusted the group.

3. Will share with whom?
-due to my past I haven’t told many about doing this study of forgiveness. If a friend raised their issues of forgiveness I would share what I have learned and encourage their participation.

4. Changes or improvements:
The majority of cases we studied involved open apologies to the victim. For most of our study group, no apology has occurred. Inclusion of further cases/stories of forgiveness with no apology or discussion of cognitive steps to take towards this would be well received.

5. How am I changing in my life?
It allowed me to see I was forcing myself to forgive for the benefit of everyone else. I now understand more what forgiveness should look and feel like: not conditional, the anger dissipated! Openly discussing forgiveness and its value in healing has allowed me further contemplation and exploration.

6. What I’d say to others:
-I loved the simplicity of the course, demonstrating incredible role models who have forgiven perpetrators. This allowed them to move on and even embrace ongoing relationships with them.

7. Mentor/Support person role;
Due to the ‘isolation’ of my issues, I had limited support connections. I, therefore, reached out to our group and was enveloped with kindness and caring. A number of us supported each other throughout the course allowing for stronger connections, openness, and the sense of being heard. It took me out of the isolation of my ‘secret’, giving me the courage to share with others. I can also see the possibility of offering some level of forgiveness in the future.


Third respondent:

1. Best parts:
Connecting with others, sharing our stories, the ground rules we established in which I could have confidence the group would honour my privacy

2. Difficulties?
After week two I didn’t want to return! I spoke about this in the group and this was very freeing

3. With whom will I share this SG? A friend is very interested in doing this course, as I would tell her about it weekly. I’ll be bringing her to our catch-up.
NB This respondent also introduced a friend who participated in the same group.

4. What could improve in the sessions?
There were times I felt we had to rush because it was ten weeks squashed into six. The downside of this was missing out on work in pairs.
I’d have loved to do more on reflective listening also.

5. Changing my life?
For me the best happened in the input of the last session: The physicality of putting my palm out and saying “I forgive you “ has been wonderful.
I’m also practicing this with myself, which is wonderful thank you.
I also loved your concept that listening is the greatest act of love. This is what we do in AA, we listen in silence when one is speaking

6. What could I say to others? People share their insights and interpretations of the context and, providing different perspectives.Group discussions with people expressing agreement to what was being shared. ‘Light-bulb’ moments – realizing what was blocking my progress of healing and forgiveness
7. Mentor/Support: I didn’t actually have anyone to debrief with. I could have, I just didn’t act on this suggestion.


Fourth respondent:

1. What were some of the best moments for me in participating in this group?
* When I realized that this course wasn’t about Rwanda and forgiveness but about myself & forgiveness. It was confronting – I was there for a purpose.
* The unity that was part of this group. The trust and openness were phenomenal.
* Others sharing was so open and honest and trusting
* Spirit of God moving all the time.

2. What were the more difficult times for me in the sessions?
* Confronting my own un-forgiveness, recognizing it in regards to my mum (I was an unwanted child)
* Also needing to respond to a friend who I still see; in the group, I became aware of my disappointment and anger that I had not dealt with. I am still sitting with it.

3. With whom will I share this Study Guide and what questions do I have about using the material?
* A young couple who separated due to an affair; the course would be wonderful for them.
* I have told a number of people about the course. Waiting for a prompt or sign of interest from them.

4. What changes or improvements would I like to see in the sessions?
* The sessions went very quickly. Two into one was a lot. More time. The course was over before I realized it.
* All the women were committed to a longer time – not wanting it to end.
* We were energized, could have taken more.

5. How am I changing in my life as a result of this study?
* I’m looking more at my responses to situations and attending to the difficult challenges this raises.
* Examining my inner life; and aware of responses; being accountable for my emotional responses – look at it and break it down.

6. What would I say to others who I think could be part of a group?
* It’s a wonderful opportunity to have a look at your life.
* Helps you to look at things you may have ignored – what is sitting there like sediment; becoming open to new awareness.
* It’s confronting but also healing and restorative.
7. In what ways did my mentor /support person assist me?
* She listened to my summary and she would ask me about my feelings and thoughts. It deepened the learning.
* It clarified things for me. Encouraged me to sit and journal with ideas.


Fifth respondent:

1. What were some of the best moments for me?
*A growing sense of a new circle of friends at that time. (On the phone from inter-state)
*Refreshing to have people from outside my world to engage with despite, and because of, having no history together. No past back-story. Coming as I am, intending to be actively a part and share in the safe space we all agreed to hold.
*A non-judgmental space, but one we were able to question and even challenge.
*Genuine caring for each other and interested in each other’s story. This filled a gap in my life, of not having people to hear my story at a deeper level.
*Good to look at the Rwandan stories intimately and take time to reflect on them.
*Four of us also took the opportunity to meet twice as a small group to support one person, and we each shared more of our stories. Good to see different members moving forward and gaining understanding and help.
*The gentleness in the way it was led; and the space given to think, and listen.

2. What were the more difficult times for me in the sessions?
*Sometimes I was not quite sure about what to do with the pre-reading tasks.
*Difficult to apply some of the principles and ideas to forgiving and moving forward, especially when there is no acknowledgment of wrong done or pain caused. I thought we were going to do what the Rwandans went through in their healing, with regard to their need for therapy.

3. With whom will I share this Study Guide?
*Only my support person knew I was doing the course. I had to keep it private.
*I have since told one person that I did the course and it was helpful for me.
I need to process more and get further down the track before telling others.

4. What changes or improvements would I like to see?
*I recommend that it be a longer course, as it was designed. Would give people more time to absorb and process. None of us wanted to stop.

5. How am I changing in my life as a result?
* I’m a bit stuck because I really need to set aside time to go over the latter sessions and to consider them deeply and make choices based on that consideration. (Have been gearing up for other events and a health issue that have been more urgent since the course concluded).

6. What would I say to others who I think could be part of a group?
*The journey of the workshop is one that values you as a person in your situation; it doesn’t have ‘pat’ answers, does not try to force or enforce things, rather it is invitational, and offers understanding, in a deeply meaningful way, of the journey of forgiveness and healing.

7. In what ways did my mentor/support person assist me?
* She was very willing to do it; when I did have issues and needed to speak of my stuff, she was a good listener.

(Collated by John Steward, 12 Jan 2021).

Five components of a forgiveness journey:
Long before it is put into action the thought of forgiveness after a painful event is born in a victim’s mind by a reflective, inner journey. This introspective process has 3 phases or steps that may lead to two action steps.

Personal/Private – inner forgiveness. The most intimate part of Forgiveness has to do with SELF-LOVE. Here forgiveness focuses on myself – where I acknowledge and accept my feelings of grief, loss and bitterness or shame, I am truthful about what I did, or failed to do, and I release myself from carrying the blame for my failures. Jesus said ‘love others as you love yourself’; to love myself is to know forgiveness by my higher power and to ‘let go’ of my guilt. This is a building block for healing trauma.

Attitude towards the ‘other’. SELF-DENIAL can follow, in which I let go of my right to revenge. This means to follow examples like Nelson Mandela, Mama Deborah, Jean-Paul Samputu, Michael Lapsley, Jesus and Stephen (the first Christian martyr), to have an attitude of forgiveness toward those who hurt me. Without some healing of my inner wound, I cannot enter this stage because it is too painful to let go of my chance to repay the offender. Yet with healing work, I can forgive the other in my spirit before I have met with them, and even if I do not know who they are.

Willing to move towards the ‘other’. SELF-OFFERING is the 3rd phase. This is the part of forgiveness where I would be free to face the person who hurt me with an intent to treat them as a human being, even though they have not yet apologized to me.

NOTE: All the above occur without any communication with the perpetrator. This was the situation in many of the healing stories from Rwanda. Forgiveness emerged from deep within many survivors.
This was unfathomable and irrational to those who believed forgiveness can only be granted after it is preceded by an apology.

Able to receive an apology. SELF-GIVING is the 4th component – the part of forgiveness in action where I hear the words of contrition and accept the apology from the ‘other’ or their representative. When spoken in sincerity and face to face, the words ‘I am sorry, please forgive me’ add to the healing of my hurts and always deserves the response “ I accept your apology”.

But “empathy must not dismiss the reality,” says Paul Valent. At this stage it is appropriate for the victim to add a call to justice: What you did was wrong and I want to know what you will do to repay something of what was lost.
Here is where forgiveness begins to impact the other person and may even bring the parties to the threshold of an opportunity to accept each other again.

When justice is seen to be done in the community. Where PUBLIC ASSENT is needed, it is a 5th and final act of forgiveness. This is when civil apparatus and the family, cohort or community declare the offender is ‘forgiven’ and opens the possibility to receive them back and re-integrate them. To achieve this the offender must meet the conditions of punishment of the law (or group norm) by attempting to make amends and restore some form of justice in an acceptable way. That was Rwanda’s aim through the Gacaca grassroots justice program.

Comment: These dimensions of forgiveness suggest that we should not be too quick to declare a person ‘forgiven’, nor should we forget the acts committed, or ignore their consequences. However, our openness to forgive grows to the point that prepares us to behave towards the offender in an I’m OK, You’re OK manner.

It is right to expect there to be acts restoring something of what was lost after violence and exploitation. This involves both attitude change and justice that is restorative. It sounds just like a healthy interaction between forgiveness and apology.

Fibonacci is a way of describing the ever-expanding growth we observe widely in nature for example in flower petals, shells and seed heads. The sequence of the five components I’ve out-lined gently expands the experience and depth of the journey of forgiveness like the sections of a Fibonacci sequence, as pictured:

Forgiveness is a journey.

Prepared by John Steward, Junction Village, 2021
adapted from Choices on the Way to Peace Study guide, 2005
www.2live4give.org

A wonderful opportunity for experiencing the study guide To Live Well.  Near to the city of Melbourne. http://thecontemplary.org/events/to-live-well/

Is now available on this website – see STUDY GUIDE. It is a ten part study for small groups. Includes a facilitators guide; question sheets and an introductory video for each session. The Guide aims to help us gain personal insights from the award winning book: “From Genocide to Generosity”.